Mafia Gazette Past Issue 73
The Mafia Gazette Issue 73 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Saturday 7th January 'CONCEPTUALIST KILLS OR CONS? ' The general consensus on the streets today is that the Conceptualists are slowly picking off the LAA bosses. Following the untimely death of Capo Kiss_This, her Mades seem to be following her one after the other to the graveyard. The Conceptualists have been blamed, but have they really been behind all the killings? People on the streets have not looked too closely at the deaths, blaming the group that currently appear to be rampaging through the community for the recent spate of Made deaths. Of the recent LAA bosses, only two seem to have survived the attacks. GothicAngel was killed earlier this afternoon and PauloDiBurdeno died shortly before five o’clock this morning with no one claiming either kill. Woota and witchy both died, one at the hands of an ex-Mystery Man despite the Conceptualists trying to claim it, the other at the hands of Relapsed, supposedly for dealing arms to the Conceptualists. None of these three deaths can be traced to the group, and one known Conceptualist even spoke at another funeral saying, “Leave the Mades alone” following an earlier attack on GothicAngel. With all the public denial from Relapsed and A.R.M. on the streets, it would appear that they are attempting to shed blame for the attacks, pointing the finger squarely at The Conceptualists, however other attacks on Bosses and other community members have come from A.R.M. members, a group that Relapsed publicly fronts. Relapsed himself is now a known target for The Conceptualists as his actions have meant people laying the blame for A.R.M. and Shadow Soldiers’ actions at their door. People are now starting to wonder about the “whiter than white” image that Relapsed is attempting to portray on the streets when his Shadow Soldiers appear to be behind some of the killings. While all attention is on The Conceptualists, there may be more of a power struggle going on than it would first appear. Looking behind the obvious scapegoats, there is more to these killings than first meets the eye. 'THE MURDER OF MORAN ' By TieDomi In LA, about half an hour after midnight, the community saw the death of another prominent figure, Moran. One Capo-NY found Moran walking the streets of LA shortly after midnight. He decided to take it upon himself to fire on Moran and his bodyguards for apparently no reason at all. A brief gunfight ensued in which Capo-NY suffered a major wound. Moran’s bodyguards were no match for Capo-NY though. He waited for the perfect moment and, after barely avoiding a shot from Moran, Capo fired on him, fatally wounding him. Capo-NY eventually made his way to Chicago and around an hour later was killed for murdering Moran. Capo-NY was killed by ElevatedSound, who is a member of the infamous Conceptualists. Say what you want about the Conceptualists but this goes to show you that they aren’t all that bad and that they do in fact, despite popular belief, have hearts, and they do stick up for good people. As for Moran himself, he was an active member in the community, speaking in the streets often, and making many friends. He was the leader of the Carlton Crew: The Warm and Fuzzy Crew, a group of friends, who’s sole purpose was to look after each other. What’s most tragic is that he secretly eloped last night and was married to his fiancée and best friend, BarbieDahl. *On a personal note, I just wanted to say that I was good friends with Moran and I will miss him, and miss arguing with him in the streets. RIP buddy. And thank you to ElevatedSound for killing the pric…I mean perso…no the PRICK who killed Moran.* 'CONSPIRACY THEORIES ' By: Jerry Fletcher So I was driving some guys to the track the other day, and I was thinkin' about how many trips I make there every single day. Every six hours, people gotsta race there and I been watchin' this place for a while, ya know? I don't got much cash to be bettin' myself, but if I did, I would be puttin' money down on any horse that gots damn near close to even odds. It gots nuttin to do with bein' skint. It has everything to do with knowin' what they don't want yous guys to know. The stables, it's a crazy world. A million bucks for a horse? That horse has gotta be racing damn well! I saw one horse with a price tag of 10 million. You gotta be checkin' yourself into a hospital, because has that guy lost his marbles? People die so fast in these cities that they lose money on something they buy! They buy the horse for, say, two million smacks. They win a cool 20 grand. Then bang. Some guy puts a bullet in your back, and the horse back on the market. And your family is out 1.8 million bucks. Yes sir, that's a heckuva deal! I say, you see a nice horse that is up for sale that you wanna buy, and it's an owner like l_Cha0s_l, you wait on your duff a few days. He'll be dead eventually, and it ain't gonna be pretty when people find out he's one of the people driving up prices. Funkiest also was selling horses in the 4 million plus mark, who gots that kind of money? People gotsta eat, and some are trying to sell horses that ain't run good since before we were singing Auld Lang Syne in the streets! The thing is, you gotsta look at the racing conditions. The same few horses keep winning their races, and you gotta be stupid to think that the conditions got nuttin' to do with it. I heard the bosses got together early on and decided to only run in perfect conditions for their horses, and sell the rest that they get for rock bottom in estate sales at the stables. That way, the rich get richer, and the poor starve. The workin' man always gets the shaft, and it's people like them who make it hard for us ordinary folk to get a leg up in this country, what with the government watching how we spend our money. I was reading the other day... 'JAILBREAK MISTAKE ' by Paola Rufina During the early morning hours on January 7th, this reporter met up with a man to discuss a problem that he had. We agreed to meet at 1:34 AM in a warehouse. I arrived minutes before him. The unnamed person walked in carrying Moran over his shoulders. Moran had been killed on Jan 7th 12:37AM in Los Angeles while allegedly committing a crime. Moran's well meaning friend hadn't been informed of Moran's death and thought that he had been incarcerated in the Los Angeles local jail, instead of the Los Angeles Funeral Home. The friend proceeded to attempt a jailbreak and bring his buddy out. All went as planned. When he saw his friend laying in a small room, he just picked him up and tossed him over his shoulders. He carried him out of the funeral home on Jan 07 12:49.30 AM (You busted out Moran). It wasn't until later that he realized Moran was deceased. Upon that realization was at lost as to what he should do with the body. Had it been an enemy, he would have known exactly what to do. This was a friend and should be treated with respect. That was when the friend contacted me and arranged to meet me at a warehouse. He wanted advise on what to do with the body. I suggested that he take the body back to the funeral home. People would notice that Moran was not at his own funeral. The friend felt this was indeed the best solution. He thanked me for my help, then offered me Moran's hand to shake. I declined shaking Moran's hand and watched as the friend carried Moran back out of the warehouse. 'THE GOOD LIFE ' by Graceless Los Angeles has a reputation of bright eyes and fake smiles, but it's not all dancing girls and comedy stages. Furio's is an oasis for the weary in the middle of...well...an oasis. You won't find fancy gold drapes here, like they are putting in the Los Angeles Theatre, but you will find a dry martini and a handful of chill, not chili, should you so desire. Just down the street from the Million Dollar Theater, you'll find Our Mary and The Little Tramp talking power in the corners with their studio bosses, and run into your milkman nursing his pint carefully. What is the attraction? With live entertainment amounting to peanuts in this city of entertainment (Valentino, anyone?), there needs to be a hook. And the hook is the complete lack of a facade. The music is good, the atmosphere is decidedly un-LA (and really, haven't we had enough LA?), and the bartender talks with a Bronx accent. And not even a cliche Bronx. If slapping backs flashing class is your thing, then you needed to be at Furio's Los Angeles. Yesterday. It's a damn fine good life. 'GUIDANCE, WISDOM AND TRAUMA ' By Miguel Every issue, I will answer as many questions I can, submitted by you, the reader. Please mobmail me with your question(s) as often as you’d like. By contributing to my column, you are contributing to the ever-growing popularity of this fine newspaper. Dear Miguel, Why is it what whenever I see you walking around, I get the urge to kill something? Yours in puzzlement, Puck Puzzled Pucker, It must be that sandwich board I tote around all day that reads “GO KILL SOMETHING” that’s fucking with your mind. Signed, Miguel ********** Dear Miguel, I've been told smoking is detrimental to your health... but is it detrimental to my health too? Respectfully yours, HeavyweightHammer. Dear Hammer, It depends on what you’re smoking. I personally avoid the warning packs that speak of impotence. You’re usually safe with the ‘pregnancy’ ones, cause you can’t get pregnant. Signed, Miguel ********** Dear Miguel, When's the last time you went swimming? Almost Yours, Suzanne Dearest Suzanne, Just moments ago…in the oceans of your eyes. *wink* Signed, Miguel …still trying 'LETTERS PAGE ' Dear Carmela, What the fuck? I read in the paper about the deaths on new years and I just want to say that I am disgusted. Some youngin' wanting to test his gun? What bullshit is that? Now I’m gonna e honest, I’m no saint. Far from in fact.. But when I feel like a kill or "Testing" my gun, I go after random muggers in my city, or some idiot who happens to be shooting people for no reason. I am so fuckin' sick of opening the god damn paper and finding out more good leaders have died for no reason other than some young dipshit who discovered his erection today. What a bunch of Bullshit. What a load of poop. With an extra side of bullshit for fun. What I'm basically saying is, there should be an I.Q. test in the process of buying a gun. Or a "You must be this tall to ride this ride" sign somewhere. But until this dream of mine comes true, we'll just have some more pointless deaths. Great, just what we need. Love always, Cooter J. Poo 'WE HEAR THAT… ' Gossip By: Trixie ... Gregoire De Fronsac was wandering down the street in drag yesterday. He was also stopping people and asking them, "Do you think I'm sexy?" Gregoire De Fronsac, you get a resounding yes from us sir. In the words of Rupal, "You better work, Work it girl." ... TieDomi was caught doing something lewd involving his hand and another part of his anatomy outside the local pancake house early this morning. Want to know the most disturbing part? Inside was the Chicago's Gay Man Convention. ...Miguel was kicked off the bus yesterday for lewd behaviour. When I dug deeper for the rest of the story I found it to be very interesting and slightly gross. Apparently, Miguel was kicked off for rubbing up against little boys on the bus. Perhaps he has a future career as a Priest? 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. New Year Horse Sale NOW ON ****************************** Beautiful Goon $900,000 Yellow Champagne $900,000 Frosty Brat $900,000 Freaky MoFo $900,000 Wet Monster $1,400,000 Drunk WitchCraft $900,000 Twisted Bastard $900,000 Gloomy Hippo $900,000 ******************************* Brought to you by Necro Ranches 'Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand and will be paid for. Normal articles will receive $5,000 and outstanding items will receive $10,000. '